Insignificant…hopeless…lost cause!!!—— Why me? I am not worthy or strong enough for this, nor am I meant to be a mother!
These constant ringing words continue to run in your mind and they won’t stop. You feel as if your soul has left your body and there is nothing left but an empty, worthless shell of a person.
Everyone said giving birth to your child will be the best thing that can happen to you. It will be great, they said. It will be fun, they said. Truth is, they never mentioned the dark details that can happen to you after you bring new life into this world.
Postpartum Depression is alive and well, yet society seems to be so hush-hush about the issue. According to the CDC, about 1 and 9 women nationally experience symptoms of postpartum depression.
Days after bring our new born son, Maximus, home from the hospital my husband noticed a major change in me. Now at the time, I thought I was okay for just having a natural medicated birth but the signs of depression started out small and grew rapidly. Awareness is very important and having a great support system around you is the key.
I am going to address the top five signs of postpartum depression and the importance of seeking professional help.
Withdrawal & Isolation
The idea of your family and friends surrounding you and your new bundle of joy sounds so peaceful, right? You can imagine this would be such beautiful moment, right? Yet you begin to have this overwhelming feeling of sadness and hopelessness for no apparent reason at all.
Well, this is exactly what I was feeling, the day we returned home from the hospital. I really didn’t pay close attention to it at first, but husband noticed that I was not present in the moment during group conversation. I would also prefer to be alone in a room because I felt so uneasy and I didn’t wanted anyone to notice.
I would recommend to have your partner and/or loved ones be more aware of your behavior during this time. If you have crazy mood swings, isolate yourself, and have reduced interest in everyday activities, it could be a signs postpartum depression.
Excessive Crying & Depressive Mood
Becoming a new mom is going to be hard, that just comes with the territory with having a child. But when looking down at your new baby, you begin to cry so hard you aren’t able to breathe. Does this sound familiar to you?
When this happened to me, it really scared the crap out of me. This also caused some huge concerns for the people around me. I didn’t know how to explain what was happening to me. I remember my husband looking very concerned and asked me what was wrong, but I wasn’t able to answer him. I just began to cry intensely and couldn’t calm myself down. Previously, I’ve had issues with anxiety but I never had felt anything like this before. I felt so out of place and I was beating myself up because I didn’t know why.
If you notice any feels of overwhelming sadness and emptiness, this could also be a symptom of depression. According to the Mayo Clinic, after giving birth your body will have a large drop in hormones such as estrogen and progesterone, which can contribute to depression. This is still not an excuse to not take this thing seriously and not seek help.
Disconnected From Baby
I was so excited the closer I got to the due date because I couldn’t wait to meet this baby. The moment he was born I was so upset with myself because I didn’t feel this rush of intense love. I didn’t feel that instant connection that I had witnessed when watching labor stories on YouTube. This disconnection became even worse once we returned home.
I remember being so mad because everyone wanted me to get some more sleep. I felt like the worst person in the world because I wasn’t able to care for my child 24 hours a day and 7 days a week. Now mind you, it had been more than a week since I had a full nights sleep so I was causing myself more harm than good. When I would try to sleep I couldn’t because I did nothing but cry and cry some more. Each time I looked at my son, I felt worthless because I knew that I wasn’t meant to be a mother. I didn’t deserve to care for this beautiful gift of a baby.
So if you begin to have feelings of worthlessness because you can’t stand to look or care for you baby, this is another important sign of depression. Please make sure to not be afraid to asks for help with the baby. There is no reason to feel ashamed about your feelings at this time.
Insomnia
For me, the inability to sleep has been a constant issue for me but when I was pregnant it became even worse. Everyone said to get all you sleep you can before the baby comes, but honestly it is not realistic with all the gifts that come with pregnancy.
After giving birth, you need time to recover because you body has gone through some serious trauma. So technically, sleep is the best medicine, but your mind is telling you the complete opposite. Especially when I was trying to pump for breast milk, I believed sleeping wasn’t an option.
Even through the baby drank both formula and breast milk, I felt horrible if I didn’t pump because my boobs would be in a great deal of pain. On top of the pumping issue, I still wasn’t able to sleep because my mind would never turn off. I would have constant thoughts of how bad of a mother I really was, and this would bring me deeper into a dark depression.
If you begin to notice your mind running with negative statements and they are keeping you awake at night, please don’t disregard this. You need sleep to refuel your body to be ready for the next day. If you don’t care for yourself first, you will not be able to take care of your baby.
Suicidal Thoughts
I know first hand that suicide is a very heavy topic. To fully understand how depression can effect your everyday life, it can’t be brushed under the rug.
Depression can get really dark, really quickly. So it is important to talk about your thoughts because small ideas can turn into a permanent solution that you can’t take back.
For me the thought were less frequent at first but the more I became depressed the more I frighten myself. With all the symptoms combined, I felt like the weight of the world was on my chest, suffocating me to death. I started to feel like a burden and incapable of being saved. There was no point of me being in this world anymore because I would never be mentally stable to take care of my baby.
All I wanted to do, was to feel normal again and just be able to breathe. It seemed to be a never ending cycle that was going to destroy me. So when you are in this type of mental state, the only thing you can do is destroy yourself to make it all stop. Now I never made any physical attempts to hurt myself or my baby. But without the proper help, some are not that lucky. When you’re so disparate to find a peace of mind, you are willing to think about all possibilities.
Seeking profession help at any of these stages is vital, especially if you are having suicidal thoughts, attempt to act on them, or planning to act. There a many options such as a 24 hours hot line(https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org), to where you can have someone to talk to you, so you don’t act on your feelings. When the first suicidal thoughts come to you, please reach out to someone, whether it’s a family member or doctor, but this is not the only way out.
FINAL THOUGHTS
I know, all of the information presented previously was very intense, but this was intentional. It really ruffles my feathers that, even in this day and age, depression and mental illness is frowned upon. Honestly, accepting that I have a problem is still the hardest thing. That is still no reason for me to stop reaching my goal of finding inner peace. I hope that we can normalize the conversion around postpartum depression and not refer to women as crazy or insane. Once we shed some more light on mental illness among mamas, it should become less scary to us.
As a pregnant woman, I worried about suffering from postpartum depression at lot. And when my worse fear came true, I hurt more than I could have ever imagined. We are definitely lacking the proper education about this. There are numerous hospital classes offered, such as child birth and baby care. Rarely, do you see any classes offered for mommy care that focus on self care and the possibility of postpartum depression.
Educating ourselves mamas, is going to be the important. By conducting your own research, we are able to become more aware of our behaviors and having the knowledge of how to seek profession help and resources. I’m still in therapy, and its almost a year after I gave birth. So please know, you are not alone and you do not have to suffer in silence.
